I actually have my first class tonight at GH- and yes I am apprehensive- but to be honest with you I am looking forward to it. I have a dentist appt today and I just cant seem to get excited about it-but are you really supposed to be excited about a dentist appointment anyway. Oh well- kind of a blah day- but I tell you one thing money is starting to get tight and things are really going to come down to the wire come the end of the year, but if I have to I can liquidate my retirement which I do not want to do. So other than that I am off to phoenix as you know on Sunday- I cant wait to get out of here and go and learn something- I am so bored sitting around the house it is driving my nuts- as I fill my day watching TV because I have to come to the library to use the computer because I don't have one at home.
Things with Kris are tolerable but are slowly sliding away I get the distinct feeling she has moved on mentally, emotionally and who know perhaps physically ( I know what your thinking) but ever have that gut feeling and I am not being paranoid- I honestly think it is someone from her office. I don't have proof but it is just a feeling. I guess though that it is to be expected with the way I treated her for the last 5 years- I am sure her mother and sister would like to see her move on and they probably are nothing doing anything to dissuade her.
Things personally are getting slowly better- day by day- as they say. and professionally I am taking the steps into the right direction. But as usual dear reader I will keep you updated, and with Chase This! (have a great day)
Friday, December 16, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Choices
Today I went to GH and enrolled-I start on Friday night- funny how when faced with the reality of following thru how anxious one can get. You see when you have choices and I mean real choices in life to make they are never easy. Sure what to eat for dinner isn't real a choice that is a preference. But do I quit my job and go off on my own- or do I stay married and put the time and effort in to make it work or do I go off and run away and start over- those are real life choices.
I wanted to let you know dear reader that for now I took the job in AZ, working out of the house in CT- I needed the money- which leads me to the next thing I went thru training for selling health insurance and they give leads etc., and I have geared up to sell it-but I cant seem to get started and do you want to know why- IT IS BECAUSE I AM SCARED- scared you say- yes scared of everything- failure, being on my own, financial responsibility etc., I cant seem to get past that fact and it has immobilized me to not take action, and that dear reader takes us back to choices - the choice to take a chance. At this stage of my life I don't know if my self esteem and my wits can get me to make the choice to go off on my own business. I am so frightened of failure that I have reached a point of no action. What's that Dave your scared- yep I look back over my life and the choices I have made and what could have been etc., and I realize that I have wasted my life- aside from my sons- I didn't fufill my obligations in marriage, my work obligations, nor my own personal obligations. I wonder a lot lately of what could have been- and I know I cant turn back the clock and that I can only move forward- but as I sit in the library writing this blog- and I see the weathered books the weathered desks and the weathered librarians I wonder if this is how life is going to be- always wondering if this is it- why cant I be happy???- why do I need to find my place, is it because I have never found it? and with that dear reader I leave with -Choices- we all have them and it is those with the courage to make the choices they succeed and right now I am frozen with inaction professionally - till next time -Chase This!
I wanted to let you know dear reader that for now I took the job in AZ, working out of the house in CT- I needed the money- which leads me to the next thing I went thru training for selling health insurance and they give leads etc., and I have geared up to sell it-but I cant seem to get started and do you want to know why- IT IS BECAUSE I AM SCARED- scared you say- yes scared of everything- failure, being on my own, financial responsibility etc., I cant seem to get past that fact and it has immobilized me to not take action, and that dear reader takes us back to choices - the choice to take a chance. At this stage of my life I don't know if my self esteem and my wits can get me to make the choice to go off on my own business. I am so frightened of failure that I have reached a point of no action. What's that Dave your scared- yep I look back over my life and the choices I have made and what could have been etc., and I realize that I have wasted my life- aside from my sons- I didn't fufill my obligations in marriage, my work obligations, nor my own personal obligations. I wonder a lot lately of what could have been- and I know I cant turn back the clock and that I can only move forward- but as I sit in the library writing this blog- and I see the weathered books the weathered desks and the weathered librarians I wonder if this is how life is going to be- always wondering if this is it- why cant I be happy???- why do I need to find my place, is it because I have never found it? and with that dear reader I leave with -Choices- we all have them and it is those with the courage to make the choices they succeed and right now I am frozen with inaction professionally - till next time -Chase This!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Absurd
The day has started with endless possibilities I honestly feel like I am on the winning team. Do you want to know what did it after all was said and done what really has me motivated to succeed is a book called a Million little pieces- and in the whole book nothing got me motivated until and I am not kidding here literally the last sentence when you find out how the author is doing. The other thing is I am reading a book by Joel Osteen the preacher and there was one passage that hit home- instead of saying why me and god can you help me etc- attack your problem with I have god on my side and no matter what problem comes along god and me can overcome it- So now I recite a passage of success in the morning to get my day started and together we take on what life has and will throw at us/me.
Things with the wife are tenuous at best- I would like her to hold off for 3 months to give this thing a shot and perhaps go thru some sort of counseling together- it is funny she is willing to go to meetings with her friends but when I ask her to go to meetings with me she hesitates- it is almost as if she doesn't want to confront the issue as then either A. She will understand it, or B. Perhaps it isn't the real issue with the marriage perhaps it is something else.- that was an interesting realization- what if this is her crutch for ending the marriage what if there was really something else- I am not talking about another man in her life but perhaps she just fell out of love and doesn't have the guts to tell me honestly- who knows-maybe I'll ask and we shall see.
Well in the day of reckoning hang on tight and believe as I walk thru the valley of death I shall fear no evil- and with that dear reader- Chase This!
Things with the wife are tenuous at best- I would like her to hold off for 3 months to give this thing a shot and perhaps go thru some sort of counseling together- it is funny she is willing to go to meetings with her friends but when I ask her to go to meetings with me she hesitates- it is almost as if she doesn't want to confront the issue as then either A. She will understand it, or B. Perhaps it isn't the real issue with the marriage perhaps it is something else.- that was an interesting realization- what if this is her crutch for ending the marriage what if there was really something else- I am not talking about another man in her life but perhaps she just fell out of love and doesn't have the guts to tell me honestly- who knows-maybe I'll ask and we shall see.
Well in the day of reckoning hang on tight and believe as I walk thru the valley of death I shall fear no evil- and with that dear reader- Chase This!
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Saddle Up
Well it has been a few days since I have posted and sorry about that dear reader but life gets in the way sometimes- Picked up our xmas tree today funny when you realize that this will be the last xmas we have as a family it kind of takes the fun out the whole thing. I was wondering at what point does reality kick me in the ass and tell me to move on-I just don't get how it could have gotten this bad- oh yea wait a minute now I remember I was a jerk for the last five years- duh you think that had something to do with it- I was sitting with a friend of mine the day and commented this was the first time that I appeared to be humble- and you know it is true- when you realize that life as you know it will change no matter what it sort of brings life into perspective. For example we had our yearly thanksgiving at my friends gregs and we all had fun and then Greg got serious and asked me about the marriage and if their was anything I can do to save it- (but when you this far down the road the answer I was told was no) anyway I responded to him and said this time next year she will be fucking someone else- and I didn't mean it in a mean way but as a fact- she is too nice a person and too good looking to be single for longer than month after we split.
Last night we went to dinner and everything was fine till she mentioned she was going to a executive dinner and I asked why was the reasoning for her to go and I guess it came out wrong as she took it as a slight well then that escalated into a full blown yelling match in the car which sucked- as we tolerate another day of living under the same roof.
I am looking forward to xmas and new years- the only downside is her parents will be here ( I do like her folks but the relationship is too strained for it be tolerable) and her sister is coming into town- nothing like having 3 women hate you in your own house- I need to find a way to leave for a week and try not to lose my mind-oops too late it has been lost.
So next week my oldest son is in town as we are going to the warren miller ski movie- it is our once a year ritual- funny how we both try but I feel like we just aren't as close as I would like- I guess that is a cop out- perhaps if I made more of an effort.
life is good and I do have my health- so with that dear reader till next time, Chase This!
Last night we went to dinner and everything was fine till she mentioned she was going to a executive dinner and I asked why was the reasoning for her to go and I guess it came out wrong as she took it as a slight well then that escalated into a full blown yelling match in the car which sucked- as we tolerate another day of living under the same roof.
I am looking forward to xmas and new years- the only downside is her parents will be here ( I do like her folks but the relationship is too strained for it be tolerable) and her sister is coming into town- nothing like having 3 women hate you in your own house- I need to find a way to leave for a week and try not to lose my mind-oops too late it has been lost.
So next week my oldest son is in town as we are going to the warren miller ski movie- it is our once a year ritual- funny how we both try but I feel like we just aren't as close as I would like- I guess that is a cop out- perhaps if I made more of an effort.
life is good and I do have my health- so with that dear reader till next time, Chase This!
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Die Tryin'
It was funny I thought as I stepped out the door and realized what a shitty looking day about how the day can really set the tone for your mood.
Spent my first day as an Medicare part d enroller- what a tedious day- enrolled one person and answered 50 questions from 20 different people. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day for enrollment- As I spent the day in the pharmacy listening the ranting of Betsy, an 80 year old cashier behind the counter with the look of aunt bea mixed in with a little bit trucker, she went on and on about how bad Bush was as president- this was of course in between her insane knowledge of all things sport and picking her teeth with a subscription card from an FHM magazine- I wondered to myself if this was one of the tricks that life plays on you- a test per se- lets see if Dave can go screaming stark raving mad into the street- oh we didn't get him today lets see what we can whip up for him tomorrow.
I read an article today about ambition it said those with goals and no energy and those with energy and no goals have good intentions but never go anywhere- but the article went on to state that ambition can come along at any age, in that it takes the right spark or the right passion about something to ignite that combination of goals and energy. I thought that was interesting - as I looked back over my life and my career and tried to recall when and what I was passionate about.
Perhaps and I know this is true I haven't been passionate career wise in a long long time- I think about all of those stupid MLM's I tried - had all the best intentions but no energy/drive to follow thru- what will it take. How many jobs must I cycle thru and/or when will I get the guts to be the person in life I know I can be?
I look at my soon to be ex wife and I think what should have been if I hadn't been so selfish and screwed it up- I mean how is it that I can still be so in love with her but yet pass each other like two ships in the night- knowing that the majority of the screw up was my fault. Everyone tells me to move on- but honestly I don't know if I can anytime soon as I am still in love with her- but I think and I am pretty sure she has moved on and no matter what this is over. that was deep) yea I know next subject.
I have some great interviews coming up looking forward to knocking them out of the park- but do I really care or is this just another stop gap on my passionless career- any thoughts?
well dear reader till next time, Chase This!
Later,
Dave,
P.S. you know I am finding this blog/diary very carthartic
Spent my first day as an Medicare part d enroller- what a tedious day- enrolled one person and answered 50 questions from 20 different people. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day for enrollment- As I spent the day in the pharmacy listening the ranting of Betsy, an 80 year old cashier behind the counter with the look of aunt bea mixed in with a little bit trucker, she went on and on about how bad Bush was as president- this was of course in between her insane knowledge of all things sport and picking her teeth with a subscription card from an FHM magazine- I wondered to myself if this was one of the tricks that life plays on you- a test per se- lets see if Dave can go screaming stark raving mad into the street- oh we didn't get him today lets see what we can whip up for him tomorrow.
I read an article today about ambition it said those with goals and no energy and those with energy and no goals have good intentions but never go anywhere- but the article went on to state that ambition can come along at any age, in that it takes the right spark or the right passion about something to ignite that combination of goals and energy. I thought that was interesting - as I looked back over my life and my career and tried to recall when and what I was passionate about.
Perhaps and I know this is true I haven't been passionate career wise in a long long time- I think about all of those stupid MLM's I tried - had all the best intentions but no energy/drive to follow thru- what will it take. How many jobs must I cycle thru and/or when will I get the guts to be the person in life I know I can be?
I look at my soon to be ex wife and I think what should have been if I hadn't been so selfish and screwed it up- I mean how is it that I can still be so in love with her but yet pass each other like two ships in the night- knowing that the majority of the screw up was my fault. Everyone tells me to move on- but honestly I don't know if I can anytime soon as I am still in love with her- but I think and I am pretty sure she has moved on and no matter what this is over. that was deep) yea I know next subject.
I have some great interviews coming up looking forward to knocking them out of the park- but do I really care or is this just another stop gap on my passionless career- any thoughts?
well dear reader till next time, Chase This!
Later,
Dave,
P.S. you know I am finding this blog/diary very carthartic
Sunday, November 13, 2005
The Quiet Life
So I have a meeting in the morning with an insurance guy- My insurance license is still active and there is a Medicare part d enrollment going on and they need enrollers- not the best gig in the world but it is cash and cash is king.
Did you ever wonder if you ended up where you thought you did- (of course you have) we all do- funny I didn't picture my life this way- heading for divorce #2 and no farther in my career then I was 10 years ago- seems I missed the boat with the dot com's- I should have gone into Laundromats when I had the chance.
You know there are two things I always wanted to do- but life seemed to get in the way or was it my own greed, always looking for the next big thing in technology? I wanted to be an actor and I wanted to race cars- I did take some acting classes and I was happier than I had ever been- it is a shame that reality and life get in the way- perhaps if I had the time and the money I would pursue it- or perhaps if I had to do it over again I would have gone straight into acting- I know lamenting about what could have been does no one any good- I mean I love my sons- yes I have two - Devon he is age two and Michael who just turned 20- what's that 20 you say yep I started young- the major regret I have in life is that I wasn't mature enough or responsible enough to be in Michaels life from the beginning- I look at Devon and thank god every day for the miracle that he is and it makes me sad to realize what I missed with Michael- granted we have a good relationship now but it feels more like a friend than a son and yes it FUCKIN bugs me that I missed his whole life. The saving grace is that he turned out to be a great kid- it is amazing as I look at Devon and Michael and I think how they have their whole lives ahead of them and how fast it goes. One day your graduating high school and the next thing you know your at your 20th year high school reunion.
Ok enough I know- lets not make this a pity party- overall yes I realize this isn't where I wanted to be but you know I have it pretty good- and god has blessed me with a decent life- what is the saying- every day above ground is a good day. So till next time, Chase This!
Later,
Dave
Did you ever wonder if you ended up where you thought you did- (of course you have) we all do- funny I didn't picture my life this way- heading for divorce #2 and no farther in my career then I was 10 years ago- seems I missed the boat with the dot com's- I should have gone into Laundromats when I had the chance.
You know there are two things I always wanted to do- but life seemed to get in the way or was it my own greed, always looking for the next big thing in technology? I wanted to be an actor and I wanted to race cars- I did take some acting classes and I was happier than I had ever been- it is a shame that reality and life get in the way- perhaps if I had the time and the money I would pursue it- or perhaps if I had to do it over again I would have gone straight into acting- I know lamenting about what could have been does no one any good- I mean I love my sons- yes I have two - Devon he is age two and Michael who just turned 20- what's that 20 you say yep I started young- the major regret I have in life is that I wasn't mature enough or responsible enough to be in Michaels life from the beginning- I look at Devon and thank god every day for the miracle that he is and it makes me sad to realize what I missed with Michael- granted we have a good relationship now but it feels more like a friend than a son and yes it FUCKIN bugs me that I missed his whole life. The saving grace is that he turned out to be a great kid- it is amazing as I look at Devon and Michael and I think how they have their whole lives ahead of them and how fast it goes. One day your graduating high school and the next thing you know your at your 20th year high school reunion.
Ok enough I know- lets not make this a pity party- overall yes I realize this isn't where I wanted to be but you know I have it pretty good- and god has blessed me with a decent life- what is the saying- every day above ground is a good day. So till next time, Chase This!
Later,
Dave
The End is Near
The end is near or at least it feels that way- ever wonder when you wake up in a Sunday if the day will collaspe unto itself- and existence as we know it will cease to exist- I know a little to fuckin deep for a Sunday morning- I would be in a better mood but the paper didn't show up again- every Sunday it is the same thing I walk out the door and like some pavlovin dog looking to get rewarded I walk out with anticipation- and I am amazed when it shows up- let me see they deliver the extra sections on Saturday- so wouldn't I presume the rest of the paper to show up on Sunday.
Anyway- I another week of looking for a job- I was layed off (fired) on the 2nd of November and I know what your thinking big fucking deal- you have only been out of work for a week-but I am so bored- you know I could be one of those protestor's you see on TV and we all look and go "don't those people have jobs" obviously not- I think I may have found my true calling- professional protestor- how much do they pay, is there a union, association dues because I cant afford to pay em' shit looks like I am out of work again. Must be my attitude- I was told I was layed off because there was a misalignment of the company and my skills- the whole call lasted 30 seconds- "hello, yes how's everything good- I hate to do this (then why do it) but we are going to have to let you go- there seems to be a misalignment with expectations. (???) Ok someone explain this to me please- lets see you pay me 125k a year plus commission and I take a terriritory from scratch and give you deals and your firing me. Good I 'm glad we have gotten that out of the way- I thought it was just me being fucked in the head.
Ah yes dear reader as you can see it is just another day into the world for Chase- but fear not - you may be down but you are never out. See life as we know it has ceased to exist but that it probaly a good thing- you know every once in a while God needs to throw you a curve ball to keep you on your toes- he/she does it not piss you off but as they say (this going to be corny) everytime God close's a door he/she opens a window. And with that dear reader - Chase This!
Later,
Dave,
Anyway- I another week of looking for a job- I was layed off (fired) on the 2nd of November and I know what your thinking big fucking deal- you have only been out of work for a week-but I am so bored- you know I could be one of those protestor's you see on TV and we all look and go "don't those people have jobs" obviously not- I think I may have found my true calling- professional protestor- how much do they pay, is there a union, association dues because I cant afford to pay em' shit looks like I am out of work again. Must be my attitude- I was told I was layed off because there was a misalignment of the company and my skills- the whole call lasted 30 seconds- "hello, yes how's everything good- I hate to do this (then why do it) but we are going to have to let you go- there seems to be a misalignment with expectations. (???) Ok someone explain this to me please- lets see you pay me 125k a year plus commission and I take a terriritory from scratch and give you deals and your firing me. Good I 'm glad we have gotten that out of the way- I thought it was just me being fucked in the head.
Ah yes dear reader as you can see it is just another day into the world for Chase- but fear not - you may be down but you are never out. See life as we know it has ceased to exist but that it probaly a good thing- you know every once in a while God needs to throw you a curve ball to keep you on your toes- he/she does it not piss you off but as they say (this going to be corny) everytime God close's a door he/she opens a window. And with that dear reader - Chase This!
Later,
Dave,
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